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When The Panic Doesn’t Stop

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I woke up from a nap a little while ago and looked at my watch. 3:40. 3:40? Oh my God. Where was Fiona?

My daughter was supposed to take the bus home alone from school today for the first time. It was supposed to be just another in the long line of “firsts” that are nerve-wracking and sometimes bumpy, but ultimately successful. I’d had a bunch of people at my house this morning for a work event and it had come up in conversation when we were talking about our families and how school is going so far. I was proud but nervous (which I think can describe how I feel about my children most of the time). Fiona was taking a big step towards independence today.

And then I woke up, and she wasn’t home. And the feeling of panic was overwhelming. Did she miss the bus? Wait, wouldn’t she have to miss two buses to not be here? Oh God. Had something happened? Where’s my phone? HOW COULD I HAVE SLEPT THROUGH THIS?

It took me a moment to realize that today was Thursday. Fiona has band after school. Here I’d been telling everyone that she would be coming home on the bus today, by herself, but she wouldn’t be. She was still at school. Safe. And the panic subsided, and I got on with my day. Got something to drink and opened up my laptop to get to work.

And all over Facebook was another mass shooting. Another mass shooting. The fact that we have to modify them now with words like “another” is horrific. “No, not that one, this one. Yup, another one. You’re talking about the one that happened last month.” Another.

The feeling of panic that consumed me for ten seconds today was draining and difficult, but mercifully short and unwarranted. What those parents are going through right now in Oregon, trying to reach their children, not knowing if they ever will…

What does it feel like when the panic doesn’t stop? What does it feel like when you don’t find your child? I can’t imagine those ten seconds going on forever. It would be all-consuming.

Parenting is a long series of steps, each one letting go a little bit more. And with each step, you expect to get them back again. For many families today, they won’t get to that last part. I can’t even imagine.

I’ve written about gun violence before and what we can do to stop it. But I’m just too tired. I’m losing the will to find a solution, and instead just say “Thank goodness it wasn’t my child.” Which is a really shitty attitude when it IS someone else’s child. But I don’t know what else to do. There are just too many people, who have loud voices and too much money, who want the opposite of what I want. Who ignore logic and statistics and common sense. I’m just tired.

My heart goes out to those families suffering today. And the ones who will suffer next time. And the time after that. Because that’s what we’ve become. That’s who we’ve become.

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